Did I run too fast? That's the only question I can get out. Asides the sighs and tears, my head is blocked, or full I don't know. I can't think straight.
Just started working, I feel it would get better, I just don't know if I can see through this. I would start dropping passwords and notes in the event that this goes south.
My brothers say I should not let the woman win, I am not even in competition with her; I just want to get well; it's pretty hard!
If; if I get past this, I hope I can now begin to live my purpose. I mutted that God must have an interesting sense of humour. Getting calls from a company that wants to porch me?
In my lowest state, I had the balls to go through an interview and did well enough for them to want to make an offer?
This is what Ikeh keeps saying, "look at the positive sides of your life"; I swear it's hard. Nothing I have done till date is enough. How and why am I putting myself through this much pressure?
I take life for granted, not sure why it's this serious now. I am truly tired! God help me!
This too shall pass, was what I use to say from university. I thank God for the people around me and in my life. Yesterday, I would have been no more! I just want it to be painless and quick. Meeting with my brothers in an hour's time, they will school me. I hope I don't feel worse after then. They look up to me, and here I am acting like a loser.
Spoke with a psychiatrist today, she requested that my friend should not let me be by myself. Me, CHIEDOZIE JIDEOFOR EGBUNA!
I am here for now. Planned over 100 years. I said I would go out on my terms, still intend to do. It's not cowdice to end ones life, it's bravery to know when the end is and make the hard decision. I leave it here.
6 September 2020
Don't know where I got the strength from but this might just be the last.
I would like to tell my story the way I experienced it. I am tired is the summary of it all. I am going to see another shrink tomorrow and I am in tears. Been crying all day. I am a family guy, the bitch I got married to knows this and used it against me. For the first time in my now existence, my head is blank. That is death to me! If this be my last sojourn, it was a pleasure; if not, mother earth and it's inhabitants would hate me and I would not lose sleep over it.
37years is what they said I have lived, feels like 137. It's time. I'm coming home papa!
To my brothers, I did not fail you, make sure the legacy lives on and the story is told right.
To my sons, you are in good hands, be careful who who entangle with.
To my parents, this was my time, and this life was not meant for me. You did a good job and I love you till my death and pray for longer days for you. Mana, I'm happy now.
If I survive this, I shall not delete this but keep it as a sign that I also struggled. If I don't,
GOODNIGHT AND GOOD LUCK.
✌️
7 September 2020
Went to the famous Yaba left today, saw a psychologist and a psychiatrist, same diagnosis as my meeting with my first shrink (whom I am seeing this Thursday by the way), SEVERE DEPRESSION. Typing this, I am in tears again! The psychiatrist told me to "Man up", my case is not bad. Not bad yet I am severely depressed? Three things are consistent though:
1. I have been through a whole lot this last 8years and shit has messed up my composition so much that I adjusted so much to the point that I altered me somewhat.
2. I bottled up all I had been through so much that now my brain does not have the capacity to hold them any longer or take in more.
3. If I hang in there and have a positive approach to this, I will get pass it and come out stronger.
I am begiyti try to imagine what life past this would look like for me, I honestly can't see anything at the moment. My mind tells me this too shall pass, but this is the strongest shit I have ever been through in my entire existence. I would never take mind games as a joke or manipulation for that matter. That shit can fuvk the other person up so much that they actually get to the point of committing suicide or change them so much that they become something else. This is what I am having to deal with. I am aging faster than normal, not a fucking worry in the world, except for how much pain I would feel the next day (cos my mind is blank right now). Funny thing is, I always wanted to stop my mind from its hectic work process and just chill, now I am not thinking and dieing gradually. My BO is in second stage hypertension, and I don't even know what to do to get it back down. I mean I know, but don't know how to do it.
Recall when I said I feel like I have lived this life before, trust me I did not see this like this, prepared for stuff like this, but now I know that all that preparation for things that are emotional is mostly nonsense.
I get goosebumps frequently, tears fall as they please, heart skips like I am in a chase, appetite gone, zeal is no more and I am searching for a reason to be here.
I have rationalised everything now, I care only for me and no one else at this point. Life has literally been taken away from me and I must still stay positive. How?
Everyday I end is supposed to be a blessing, but I don't want to see the next.
I AM TIRED!
