Not My life

It started 1990, I had just turn seven, and I could remember almost everything then. I had a plan, I was going to be a journalist with engineering skills, but in the priesthood; I knew what I wanted. As the years went by, my options became somewhat narrowed, a priest or a journalist. Then I wanted to become a doctor, but I was clear about one thing, I had to be a priest.
Years went by, I kept more to myself, then discoverd philosophy; that was it. I was sold. Priesthood would not go past me, but the idea of saving lives had a surgical feel to it; a doctor perhaps.
I applied to the seminary, how I never heard from them or ended up doing something else is a story for another day. A troubled kid, angry at the world around me, skillful and deadly was how I was described; and I was strong, even I knew this.
To cross my path meant death, or at least a fight to never forget. I had control of every situation, I was feared, brave and to many extremely rude. The last part always made me laugh. I remember one time when I got a gift from an aunty, I was in my third year in the university, I did not like it and felt it was okay for me to politely return it. How does one return a gift politely you might ask? Well she did not take it likely, not sure if she has forgiven me. That was the last time I got anything from her, and as a matter of fact, from any of them.
I was determined to enjoy the best of both worlds, that has somewhat been my Moto, leave life to its fullest, but always do the right things. I thought it worked, had good grades in university, got a good job almost immediately after, then moved to one even better, but I realised I was not applying myself fully. I am somewhat of an extremist so trying to get the best of both worlds was my way of controlling myself. Was I wrong to try this? I recognised early in life that you get directly opposite emotions from the same actions, this was what motivated my actions. In retrospect I just might have taken that too far.
A few more years down the line, I knocked a lady over [lol], to be honest, I loved her, so I did the right thing, and this fit perfectly into my mantra. Some say I was too young at the time, but I was 28 years old, clear in my thinking, foolish in my actions.
Like every other thing in my life, I had a solid idea of what being married would look like for me; the one thing I failed to do was check if my partner to be, also shared the same views. Truth is married life started off disappointing.
I was struggling to meet up with the demands. How did this quiet, shy, reserved guy whose dream was to be a man of the cloth become a knight of the night? I knew practically all the dark spots in the city, name it, I had it. A bit of it had to do with my job at the time, but considering I had almost [actual events does not suggest I did fully] perfected the art of balancing between both worlds, I had failed, and it killed me.
You will read a lot of books and motivational quotes that tell you "failure is a stepping stone to success" but that bullshit was not for me. I felt challenged, the need to show I could turn this around, but then again, I operated like it all was within my control. Understand this, I once had things under control, to lose it was to lose me, to die!
Things moved very quickly post marriage, lost my savings, lost my sanity, lost my control, lost my job, lost my family, got another job, had my family move back in, but most of it was lost. I had a perfect relationship with depression, nothing mattered to me safe my kids; this was not my life. It all happened so fast, six years of my life, gone, I would never get that back. I had to pull through some how, so I did what I thought best, invest my energy on the boys, get back in shape (physically), see if my maker would accept me again. I tried. The first two were relatively easy, but I had to let go of my knighthood. How do I do this. I had become a senior member, the less I knew of the places, the more energy I would put into discovering more.
Thing is, I have still not been able to make peace with my maker, I feel a void only His acceptance would fill.
I fear I have tilted more to the dark side, I am a responsible father and husband, but the demons seem to have a hold on me somehow. If I die today, I have three things that would be responsible for that; but my anger is more around my abdication of the control I once had, to people around me, and those I cannot see.
As much as I struggle, one thing remains clear for now, I need to get back up quickly. None of the plans I made has become a reality, have I failed, am I failing?
I know I judge myself harshly sometimes, I have to, these people don't have the right to. Now I try to give myself some credit, and that scares me more than the judgement. I feel good with myself naturally, so when I feel fear for what should be natural, I get extremely worried.
What have I become, why do I feel pressured, this ain't me. I am a serious "idontcarewhatyouthink" kind of guy. My mind pricks me like crazy, my thoughts drive me nuts, my actions disappoint me; what exactly is this? This ain't me, this is clearly not my life. Have I, in a bid to understand things, gotten too into involved and sold a part of me? Is this it for me? I once thought I would live beyond 80 years, now I feel 45 years would be way too much, if I do not even make it shorter. I can't do this any longer