The Times

The year 2019 is almost done, and I am almost gone! I started this year with so much expectations, plans and dreams of what I wanted to do, optimistic that those plans would materialize, I really had high hopes and belief. First off, I have to be honest; the year started far from how I expected it to ( in a good way). Received a news I never expected, a good one, and for the first time since I can remember, I was excited and showed I was. In material terms for a long time, that seemed like the only good thing I had received this year [received], till I sat down and looked how far I have come. Financially, from a cash flow stand point, I am broke (laughs), but for good reasons. Another reason I am actually grateful. 

The year came by so fast, but this year reminds me of 2009 so much! Disconnected from my work, no passion for what I do, yet I do it diligently to the best of my ability.

I stopped whinning, fractured a rib, stayed away from writing (hated that so much), but here we are; November fucking 2019! 

Working on my closeness to the Almighty, working on my perception about life, times, peoples and all things physical and spiritual.

One thing I noticed though ( I have had terrible dreams so much this year and for the last two days), is that I have either become a nuisance to a lot of people, or I never had anybody! Trust me, not basing this on dreams, but the interpretation of the dreams confirm it. Experienced as I am, you would think I should have known better, I should have; but I got carried away. I hope the next set of disappointments and fuckups will steer something in me that moves me beyond writing. I am tired, but ready for my solo album. The world would see and attest. This shit is over; DONE!

Life's Madness

Reality has just set in! I have battled depression for the past twenty years, did not know that it was what it was at the time, and struggled through it at the time. I had, and have many more ways to die than you can imagine, tried some and still think about it at times, but I am here.
Never really discussed this with anyone, cos it would have either been trivialised or thought of as the way of life where I grew, but someone pushed the narrative to the point where the rest followed and realised it was a real problem and now, we talk about it, try to help people out of it.
I appreciate the publicity and the drive to 'save' people from this; I know that those who proceed till the end are considered weak, and I know that they are not!
I appreciate that we believe we are not all equal, or that we process and respond to our trials the same way, it is a start; however the part before the "but" nullify the thought before [we know the power of the BUT].
I have seen and see the power of influencers, why they seem to be relevant, how corporations go after influencers with the sale mentality, but this is wrong.
In spite of all I have written, this is the first time I have had to shed tears while doing this. You can tell I have become slack.
I just went through the mini series " When they see us".
I smoked a stick after watching the first episode, another after the second episode, but intermittently held my breadth in the third and forth episode. I was pissed mid way into the first episode like most (if not all) people were.
A friend ( friend) guaranteed me I would cry by the 4th episode. You should see me; buff *laughs*
But I am genuinely pissed, more angry and disgusted though ( cos I feel powerless).
I have seen this play out in recent times, how a so called influencer pushes a narrative and the people follow. It has become wrong to not conform, a crime to be different. This is what kills me. How can you recognise my difference and in the same breathe, condem me for it. This is madness which unfortunately seems not be be going nowhere anytime soon.
Why do I expect that the majority would hold the 'few privileged' accountable? Why do I think the people, in this times, employ their brains?
Thinking about it now; mine is the real madness!

Year

Traditionally I start my year in a somewhat somber mood, not necessarily taking stock of the previous year, but psyching myself that I need to do better. I stopped making resolutions many years ago, however when I want to change towards a certain individuals or group of people, the new year is a perfect excuse.
A strange thought came to mind the last few hours of 2018 and occupied my mind for the first 10 hours of 2019. I have changed a lot! Not necessarily in a 'good' way, I have become immune to a lot of things, clear on a lot more, sand maybe more aware that I have very little time now. This is contrary to my initial thoughts and believe. I had to re-evaluate my family, life in my family and impact of that on my family. To be totally honest, what I discovered scared me to my bones. Things I do!  I don't feel like writing, would have done this when it first came to me, but I don't know again.