Loss or Discovery

 I feel sad, struggled to get out of bed today, finally pulled out, realizing I might have lost it all. Why I have relied on a human being irritates me, why I get them worried is worse; It is finally clear to me why monks are better at living and why we should all be. I do not type this to make a claim, but to acknowledge my need to monkinize; I am not sure that is a word, but I use it. For the first time, I walked out as a dead man, came back feeling like Van Dan. I am not trying this again. I have not slept in 2 days now, I have used all the meds given, thankfully (not sure), my blood pressure is lower than normal. I have heard of low BP, this one, my heart literally stops. I can write now, cause I just walked. Walk! Doing this hurts, They say, get people around, I have people making noise based on this advice. They are irritating me. I have  tried this, I know this is temp, I hate to admit it. This is my last, I will wait till I can get to terms with this. Unfortunately, I have gotten the message, I have lost 2 things I cherish in less than a month. Maybe this is where the rebuild begins. If you ever see this, I am now finally at peace; If you don't I am finding peace.; possibly found it I am STRONG AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE. HATE IT, I don't. I am just surprised at how much I can take in; and this is nothing