This is a build up to the case for the final break up. It was a wise decision to go meet my parish priest. I went because I was confused and needed an unbiased opinion on the issues. We spoke for about an hour, he took my wife's phone number called, she did not pick, then I got a call in less than 15 minutes from the Cathetist saying " Father said you should come by 5PM." I couldn't ask why. I got there some few minutes before 5PM and quickly caught up with the Priest, who told me that he spoke with my my wife ( who shall now be referred to as 'the woman'), and she agreed to come see him.
Now the meeting!
The priest, with both myself and the woman sitting in opposite sides, asked me what the issue was. I told him my story, as far as I could remember, which was " I don't know!" I explained what we had been going through from the beginning, barely four months into my marriage, and that I still could not understand what the issue was. Talked about when the issue started, which was one day when I received series of shocking and insulting messages from my wife, detailed the experiences after that and how she kept saying that:
a. I kept late nights ( even when she knew the schedule of my work, cos we worked in the same organisation),
b. I am never home,
c. I don't talk.
That was as far as I knew; but I worked on it and she acknowledged I had improved. The woman acknowledged in this meeting that I actually improved but slipped back again.
I told her how she was the one who pushed me to leave a job I loved ( because she complained a lot) and how I had to reassure her that she shouldn't say that. This was because I complained from the first day I left my beloved job till the day I left the irritating one. And I have chats to prove it!
Now it was her turn to talk; what I heard shocked me and is the reason I have decided to write this. It will help me
The woman said all I said was what she always complained about, that I improved but backslided ( backslide is not her word) but that I had even gotten worse. But that she could not speak to the priest with me there and asked what the essence of this meeting was. I left and she spoke!
I was called back, and the priest asked some few questions, like if I loved her, what I think about what she has said ( cos he asked her to repeat them to me), I responded, she made faces and when she was asked questions, I interjected to get clarity; but in her usual manner, she went silent and asked that I leave. I left again!
When I was called back the second time, the priest asked me if I still loved her [again] and I said NO! Not as much as I did six months ago. It was then her turn to talk and she echoed the same. At some point she said:
a. I had an agreement with her when she came back to my house that I would give her money for feeding monthly, but that she would take care of the other small things like "servicing the gas" and all! LIE!
b. That she is the one who fixes the small appliances when they get bad ( a few times she has), and that things like sockets with exposed wires that she has had to cover with tapes were still left that way. LIE! I tired to clarify but she did her usual, I'm not talking again if you interupt me. [I came home checked, there is no exposed naked wire in my house]. Like am I mad?
c. She has to beg for conjugal rights to be made, AKA Fukv her! Kinda agree, she's boring as fuck, but will get to this later.
d. I am never at home, even on weekends. LIE
e. That I never tell her where I go to. LIE!
f. Then the kicker. That there are things that my kids need to talk to me about, but because I am never home they come to her. That even when she asks them to come tell me, they say they prefer talking to her. LIE! LIE! LIE!
Please note that in all of the lies no example was given. But I know her, she will come up with something soon, but I gat it covered.
Now on the fucking her part, I told her that she was boring, all she did was lie down and wait for me to fuck her, but she replied that I was the boring one. She cut her self short, but she was going to say I ejaculate quickly. Of course I do, it's boring I get my fix and get out; what am I doing there? Why is she scared that I am cheating if that is my normal performance? If I would do any other girl like that, why should that be an issue?
So the priest again asked if I thought this would work and I clearly told him that I did not. In fact I asked him that " what if we genuinely do not want to be with each other again, how is that a problem?" He said it meant there was no love there in the first place ( by this time he had taken us to the Maria grotto, AKA Love garden); and I told him yes, there was no love in the first place, that she told me that much. Meanwhile, before we got to the Love garden, he asked me what I taught my weaknesses has been in all of this, as far as this marriage is concerned? I told him " I probably did not pay much attention to things". It was her turn to answer the same question and she said " I would not see it as a weekness, but "whenever I get angry I say alot of things while expressing myself, regardless on if it hurts him; but I am working on it and learning how to keep quiet". The priest pushed by asking if she thought what she did hurt me, but she said, "when he gets me upset or does things that I don't like, that's when I get into that, but like I said, I am working on it". So I told the priest that I too had gotten better in terms of not paying attention, but she said it was a lie and I told her I did not believe hers either.
Back to the love garden, the priest asked if we thought this could work out well, I told him I did not see how. That I felt we were too big for each other. He asked what that meant, so I told him that she cannot be submissive and I cannot love her beyond what I have done. That this was checking and I acknowledge that I may not be able to give her what she wants and I acknowledge that, it's fine, I will not lie to myself. The woman was asked the same question, and her reply was " how can I love someone that does not love me?" Classic!
By the way somewhere in that conjugal conversation, the priest asked if we slept together and I told him NO. When he asked why, her reply was" we stay in a three bedroom apartment, the generator is behind my room window, so I told him I can't sleep there and neither can the kids sleep there; so we [ the woman and the kids] sleep in the master's bedroom." When I protested that I made suggestions ( that the kids should stay in the room farther away from the generator noise and fume) while the woman and myself stay in her room or the nanny stay there, she said, "I would not stay in a room where the neighbors generator is always on and where I would be exposed to the fumes, neither would I allow the nanny to stay in that room as well." So na me good to die! I told her that is the same room where her friend and baby sleep o! So how am I supposed to fuck you? Priest offered some suggestions like we could sleep on the master's bed, and the kids stay on a makeshift bed in the same room.
This woman is MAD! Leave the house, you no gree, make I leave, you no gree.
I dey go sleep for this night. Will update as it happens. And oh! We were ' forced' to hug for a while. I had to tell her to please agree to it so we can get out of there, cos the priest was not going to let us leave without that happening. This was after the prayer he said for us. He said this was just two hurt people with ego. I will consider this a miracle if we ever get back; from where I stand now, I don't see how! And yes, the priest might actually be right; lack of love from the onset, unreasonable expectations, ego and lack of understanding is the issue in this marriage. She will/ cannot submit; not sure I can love her the way she wants and I will not serve her. So we are still here till the miracle happens. Anyway it plays out is fine for me. Goodnight folks!
Let me update this 20th March 2020)
So I spoke with someone whom I believe my wife would listen to /love. Same story, some questions, same answer from me. We will be fine
Sure not what you wanted to hear, bur I feel like I am done talking about this. My life shall not be defined by my circumstances.
Thursday 9 April 2020.
I thought there was no end to this, but looks like the end is finally here. We have agreed; this is not working. The only consideration are the kids. I would try my best to ensure I play my path in their lives. Now I see what all my training and experiences have been about. I am not possessive. I call them "the boys", rarely my boys.
We have agreed terms of living separately, she will get back to me on if it's separation or divorce. Her friend mediated. There is however one thing I asked for, that we address the kids together, but she refused; says she will tell them when they are old enough. The first is 8 years this year and the second would be 6 years old.
It was 3 years ago, this same month and season that they came back. There is indeed something special about this period in my life. With the exception of 2014, my rebirths have been in this month. I now sleep in my room, while she spends time on the call in her car. The attitude of the boys have changed. The younger one told me that the woman called me a fool. They are now biased, I would expect nothing less. But again, it would be their loss not mine. I am a sojourner in this plane, and I know.
Good bye for now, the ending of this chaoywould be documented and that might be the last. I hope I have the presence of mind to write the next chapters. Waiting for confirmation of the date when we split and start court proceedings. Goodnight!
Sunday April 12, 2020
The younger one wants to spend more time with me now, while his older brother is fixated on his game. I know the younger one senses that something is about to happen, he is that deep. Very playful, but his coming around me is not really for play. He wants to just stay in the same space with me and learn what I do and what I know. Today we were studying marketing and he was mad interested. Two days ago, he asked me to carry him, he likes it, but haven't asked in a while. Before he did this, I was playing football with his older brother and when we finished ( he was partly a refree and commentator), he began pulling me to the woman's room. As soon as I noticed, I stopped and asked what he was doing. His response, "both of you were quarrelling the other day. I asked mummy to come apologise to you and she refused, so you go apologize to her." So I carried him and asked him why he thinks we haven't apologized to ourselves. His response, "you guys don't kiss anymore."
That was when it got me that the little man is quite observant. I had a pre conversation with the older one and asked him how he would feel if we no longer stay under the same roof and he has to come visit, and he said he would not feel anything. I am scared to ask the younger one cos I have a sense as to how and where that conversation will go.
There seems to be closure in sight. Myself and the woman have preliminary agreement, she brought up an item yesterday ( medicals for the children) but told me not to rush her as she is enjoying her holiday ( when I asked her for what her proposal was, today). Thing is, I am extremely calm, not scared, happy, cos this is the calmness that shames me and yet propel me. I am exercising a lot, taking fruits, eating ( need to have a permanent solution to this, the current plan is embarrassing and not sustainable). Generally, I feel good. Give me work, exercise and food, with some alcohol, you have the best Adam walking on earth again.
It's 3 days to my 37th birthday, my family have been very visible in the skies for the last 2 weeks; this was when my transformation started. Tonight, I dine with the gods and my natural family. Goodnight.
Monday June 1st 2020
This is my first writing since the woman moved out of the house with the kids in 9th May 2020. She made sure to move out with everything she could lay her hands on. I felt relieved for a minute and then the sadness came; and it but me hard!
To "celebrate" my freedom, I went out and got some of my favourite liqueur, ashtray some stout and cigarette. This was when my problem started. I would drink at will, anywhere in the house, turned my apartment to a shrine of some sort, with cigarette smoke oosing out if the house from any available open window. I cooked regularly, looked unkept (as I was not ready for the barber's touch and started having the fungal reaction on my face again). Spilled hot oil in my left fingers, list focus at work; was too tired to stand straight and just started dieing slowly!
I told my friends to stay off, contemplated suicide, list interest in my project, couldn't pray and just sort out for anyone I could prey on. I was a mess! Thankfully I realised before long that I needed to slow down. Now I cut the alcohol, cut the smoking, back on the project, still not praying as much, but doing my best to live right. I feel stronger, look better and positive. I cut the idea if suicide off and I've chosen to Do My best, Be My best and Live My best. It's a journey to recovery, and I can say I am in the right path. I slip sometimes, but I don't think too much or dwell in it; WE MOVE!
My friends have been told funny stories about me, lies mostly, but it helps cos now u understand why these journals will be important and useful. One told me that I had been in an abusive relationship for so long, it's shocking how I have managed to keep it together. One congratulated me!
A new chapter of my life has began, some say it is for a short while, I say, I am no longer the person I use to be. The days/years ahead my be long, but I know they are beautiful and I am ready to live and enjoy them.
