Beauty of Life

We never really know who we are. We'll at least that's what I think. Don't get me wrong, we might have ideas, maybe even know in a particular phase or phases of our lives, but holistically, we don't. Most times it's not because we don't try or want to; that's just the mystery of like. And therein, lies the beauty!

Imagine that we knew life as humans, what would that look like? I once said that our natural inclination is to do evil, I take that back. There is no good or evil in created beings; we just respond to what we are dished out, experience or see. They say the dog is man's best friend, yet can be used for security purposes, no matter how small or its breed. Provoke the dog, it attacks you (owner or stranger), provoke a human being, you get the same (friend or foe);yet we ask people to be humans. What does that really mean?

Could that be that I have control over your emotions and actions? That's all we really have. The part where humans can 'control other's lives' is far reaching, and dependent on the control of emotions and actions.

We are primed, not by men, not by God's, but by what we go through. Men and gods give us access to other people's lives and responses, they don't dictate our responses. 

I can live, do and be what I want to be; that's beauty to me, influenced or not, that's life! 

The Process

May 10, 2021:22:10hrs 

It's been a while now since my guy passed on; I have still not been able to grieve not because I did not want to, I planned to let it all out, well hoped I would let it all out when I see him for the last time, albeit dead!

I tried to express myself, but was shut up immediately, they said "if my mum see us crying what do I think she would do?" we were suppose to be her strength, so I could not weep even when I lost my dad! This was the same line I was told when I was buying my sister in law (my dad passed on the day she was buried by the way, even though he was not there), I had to be strong for my brother!. Amaka was more than a sister in law to me, she probably is the only lady that was comfortable with me being me. So two deaths in a month, and I can't grief because I have to think of how that affects other people [sighs].

I was just getting my feet on the ground after going through treatment aftet being diagnosed with severe depression when all of this happened. Amaka's husband (my older brother), had been there for me, he was the only family member that knew what I was going through at the time, and we are close.

Let me side track a bit; I was depressed Primarily because I had just been separated from my wife and I could not spend time with my kids (the woman broke the terms of our agreement); yes, we agreed.

So this is me, frail and in need of support, now having to support the same person I drew strength from (he has been through hell and back), but still needing to be cautious in my grief!

I played my path, went through the burial process, now I suffer alone, cos I don't have my own closure. 

I have once again sacrificed my sanity for 'the general good' I have not slumped to the state I was last year, but I hate how I feel.

I am tired now. I would stop here [sighs]