It's been a while now since my guy passed on; I have still not been able to grieve not because I did not want to, I planned to let it all out, well hoped I would let it all out when I see him for the last time, albeit dead!
I tried to express myself, but was shut up immediately, they said "if my mum see us crying what do I think she would do?" we were suppose to be her strength, so I could not weep even when I lost my dad! This was the same line I was told when I was buying my sister in law (my dad passed on the day she was buried by the way, even though he was not there), I had to be strong for my brother!. Amaka was more than a sister in law to me, she probably is the only lady that was comfortable with me being me. So two deaths in a month, and I can't grief because I have to think of how that affects other people [sighs].
I was just getting my feet on the ground after going through treatment aftet being diagnosed with severe depression when all of this happened. Amaka's husband (my older brother), had been there for me, he was the only family member that knew what I was going through at the time, and we are close.
Let me side track a bit; I was depressed Primarily because I had just been separated from my wife and I could not spend time with my kids (the woman broke the terms of our agreement); yes, we agreed.
So this is me, frail and in need of support, now having to support the same person I drew strength from (he has been through hell and back), but still needing to be cautious in my grief!
I played my path, went through the burial process, now I suffer alone, cos I don't have my own closure.
I have once again sacrificed my sanity for 'the general good' I have not slumped to the state I was last year, but I hate how I feel.
I am tired now. I would stop here [sighs]
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