Fathers Dream

Feburary 3rd 2023 is the first time my beloved dad AKA my guy appeared to me in my dream, just over 2 years after he passed on January 29th 2021.

THE DRRAM: I had been having some disagreements with my mum and siblings, barely speaking to anyone or attending any events, however, we had planned to travel to the village and I agreed to join them. 

While in the village, we were to attend mass at a church close to the Family house, I was still angry and pissed, but I went. 

A bishop was going to celebrate the mass, it was the feast day of the parish. Mass had juat begun, when I planned to leave but could not. I stayed for the opening prayer and just when the Gloria was to start, I left. My plan was to go home and lay down on my dad's bed; hoping his room was not locked. On my way out of the church, I saw my dad, sitting beside my older brother (who either looked like he saw him too or was shocked I was leaving that early). My dad looked at me and smiled, but I just continued. As I got outside, I saw him again. He was dressed in a matching shirt and trouser native, tucked in and this time with a plate of food in his hand. He proceesed to sit down where someone else was (who was also eating) so I watched. As he sat down, the man nudged him and he apologized with a nod and hand gesture (no words), I could not believe it. 

I went and nudged him from behind, he smiled and did same. We were at it for about 3 times, when he started walking back into Church and I into my reality.

I miss you my guy.

My People 2

I was once told (by someone who's name shall not be mentioned) that my friends would leave me at some point, you can guess my response lol. I know my friends, I love  them respect them and would stay glued to them. I am losing some, and not worried about it. The woman has proven time and time again that she can't manage these boys alone; I have some people. I'd leave it here

My People 1

It's February 18 2022, and it's been ages since I last journaled. To be honest, I tried a few times but deleted them, cos I did not think my thoughts were worthy of been read again; mistake.

Since the last time I wrote, a lot has happened, but more recently, I have had time to reflect and celebrated a few of my people. I am getting to an age where one has to be extremely deliberate about words and actions, and I promised myself I will. 

I will not go into details in this episode nor will I focus outside, but a bit more inflection is the objective of this piece. Someone (a World Bank Certified trainer, Nneka) said something profound today. She said "if only we were less emotional about our decisions, some of us would not be married to the people we are today". The marriage part was not what struck me, like you may have figured, I ain't in the marriage business no more. As a matter of fact my lawyer should have filed for joint custody in court today; but that's besides the point. What struck me was the emotionally skewed decisions I have made across board.

I have spent the last 2 days in a 5 star hotel, attending a retreat with my team, getting to know them better and charting the course for the year. In this time, I have seen timid people become outspoken, broken people regain confidence and doubtful people ready to take on the world! And yes, I fall in that group. These are the ones I call My People! We are not exactly there yet, but we will, its a journey for me and working towards it. I was also reminded that some circumstances you inheret, some others you choose and some others form who you eventually become. Nothing profound here, yes, but it's instructive to know these things and always keep them at the top of your mind. This is me now deciding to choose what I inherited; this is phase 1.

As for my past, it will remain in a box with the keys kept in a safe place till I decide to unearth them.

I will not say I have found myself again, I will only say, I think I have found my new people! 

Dissapointment

I am disappointed at myself, I have been this year and just got to know why.

I got a job I had always wanted and had a certain expectation of what the job entailed which was different from what I thought it to be. Similarly upon completion of my house, I expected I would be elated, but with already the disappointment of my marriage and my job, it set me on a depression course. 

Now I know to reevaluate my expectation, set broad range so I can manage my disappointment. Funny thing, I used to think I had no expectation of people, but had tons of myself. 

Why? I was brought up to work hard and that hard work would pay. That marriages we built to last long with no room for divorce, that to be successful, I had to accomplish things/activities early enough so I could focus on other things; not sure what those other things were. Becoming clear now, so resetting things. 

When death comes

It all started 27th June 2021, when I reached to my close friend, turned brother, mentioning to him that I felt a certain burden and could not shoulder it on my own anymore. The back story to that was that I had just been appointed General Manager of the TeaCo (Ekaterra), and this had come in spite of the emotional challenges and the mental health challenges I had been battling at the time. I had resulted to smoking, alcohol, with little or no food. Constantly feeling weak and secluded in my abode, which I seemed no longer to be excited about, I did what I thank God I still know how to do, no matter how terrible the situation might be; reach out for help! So I called and was invited!

My first week didn't seem like much of a change, as I managed to continue with the smoking and alcohol, mostly after work, sometimes while at it. Friday 2nd July 2021 was the peak, the demons had come out. We went out for a drink, had a heated argument and I left, back to my place. I had accused him of not paying attention to me in spite of the challenges he knew I was goi g through, but he did not get it. By Saturday, 3rd July, he had called and I ignored. Sunday 4th, he showed up at my place to pick me physically. We agreed that day that I was to quit smoking and cut down on the alcohol.

The decision quickly became one of the best I had made this year. We agreed it would be difficult, but he had done same as well years ago and felt I could as well. I quickly got into the one way I know how to manage things like these (gospel music). Worked like magic. Did not take long to forget about alcohol and cigarette and started focusing more at work. Output amazed me and I knew I was on the right path. By the 9th of July, I decided to go see my kids at school. Normally I would pray for them before I leave, this time around, I asked that they pray for me. My first son, Zephan, immediately laid his hand on my head and said "You will not die, accident will not see you, you are blessed, in Jesus name" to which I responded AMEN. He told me Tobe could not pray, so I let him pass. Not long after I left, I thought to go get my bumber fixed (as it had been pulling out), from there, I decided to have my tire checked (since it had been getting deflated quite often). I was told my tires were in terrible state and should be changed immediately. My glasses had gotten my vision a bit blurred.

By Saturday 10th, we had gone for a wedding and I had a blast, had an after party and erupted again, then worked out. Sunday 11th July 2021, I had packed my things, gone to see mum and decided to go see a new friend. She asked if I had been drinking and I said no. She told that I looked really tired. Asked her to have a taste of my drink, it was coca cola. Long story short, I got into the car, headed to my friends place and had an accident that could have easily killed me. 

I have chronicled this to set the record straight. I brought myself out to my friends place cos I knew I needed help and would get it here. I am often misunderstood and judged by people who should know me, but clearly don't. For what it's worth, I will stay here till I get better, then set a plan while here on how to live at my place and not backside. This is my new reality, but I will not take it anymore.

My motivation is different now, in time, all these will go out. 

Changes

Like you may know, the last couple of years have been quite eventful, with lots of downs and I dare say, ups as well. I was blessed with an angel as a line manager in January of 2020, the process to joining the team is a story in itself, but when God wants to work, He truly does in ways we never understand. The past 18 months have taught me more patience, 8 years taught me endurance; looking forward to what the next years have in store and how to use the past lessons on this new journey.

I have written about my entry into marketing again, something I had longed for; while my personal assessment on the job does not impress me, the impact (as I was told on the 18th day of June 2021), gladens my heart.

Back to the matter, here is me minding my business, looking to leave the organization I work with, only to be called and persuaded to apply for a job I felt I was not ready for. I buckled and applied!

Went through the interview in one of my lowest points, found out my first line manager in this organization also applied for the same role, then got called that I have gotten the job on June 10, 2021. I am the fucking GM for West Africa for a business I worked my socks for and loved for Nigeria, for 5 years.

Still trying to express my joy so pardon me. I will make this a thread make I rest first. 19th June 2021, 19:30hrs

The Calm

June 4th 2021.

There is actually a calm after the storm. I have heard it, sang it, now experiencing it. It is real. I remember how I use to love my space, digging it like crazy. When the time is right, I would tell all this.

I have never mentioned this before, I write cos I want to have things on record. I know that once I leave this plane, memories will follow me;might not stay with those left, but this gives me peace.

I tell more of my personal experiences, I like it that way. Honestly I am too excited. Need to infuse the inspiration in video or sound. Let me try. Will try. Make I go close work today