Tale of a Mad (Wise) Black Man - PART 1

You know the saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder"? From where I come from, and yes I am Black (at heart and in skin), we have remixed it, like we never see enough of that; we also believe "wisdom is in the head of the speaker". Most times the test of one's wisdom is not necessarily in the actions, but in how many parables one can come up with and/or how well one interprets these parables to make sense to others.
I also love to speak in parables for two reasons: 1) I get to confuse my listener, 2) I can interpret it to suite whatever situation I feel like and still get to confuse my listener and feel smart at the same time. The second reason works best for me and gladens my heart the most.
I am at a crossroad, really at a crossroad and for the first time in a very long time, not sure what parable to use or how to even get out of it.
A bit of a background; I feel, and somewhat know that I have grown in the last three years, I feel respected (for my status) and behave like a grown adult (like I should), again because of my status. Now that it seems like I MIGHT have messed up big time too, cos I have a hand in my current dilema, I don't feel so confident and sure; although people around me believe I have never looked more comfortable, unruffled and confident. They really do not have a clue about the millions of decisions I have to make per minute that may not impact them in any way. Decide I must. My dilema, is honestly around what template do I use this time, and how do I show this was/is a logical, rational decision; knowing very well that lives, destinies may be impacted.
My first thought was/is to damn the consequences (not my preferred though), but the spiritual and sensible part of me knows this amounts to stupidity. Should I chose not to make the hard call, the consequences MIGHT be grave, for myself alone first, then maybe for the rest of my concerns (but that looks easier right?)
I am not, never have, and never will be scared of death. I have plotted and thought of how I would die since I was 16, and the options that made sense, as unpopular as they may be, were my favourite. They remain my favourite till this day!
Am I suicidal, I would not answer yes to that, do I enjoy living, still would not say a yes to that. I cannot avoid man's end (death). I could influence it, hasten it, but the end remains inevitable.
I have read my fair share of books, watched my fair share of series and movies and heard my fair share of stories, I hate to pass on as that psychotic dysfunctional dude. I believe I should leave as noble as I came in (at least I would like to think I did); with my pride intact, not seen as a coward, and definately not lazy. I do not believe I am any of these, but sense I could be.
I need to take that decision, and for the first time in my life, I am scared to my balls. How did I get here, can/would I ever leave this space? Many questions, no answers (I tell myself); but I have the answers, I just am slow to act.