Beauty of Life

We never really know who we are. We'll at least that's what I think. Don't get me wrong, we might have ideas, maybe even know in a particular phase or phases of our lives, but holistically, we don't. Most times it's not because we don't try or want to; that's just the mystery of like. And therein, lies the beauty!

Imagine that we knew life as humans, what would that look like? I once said that our natural inclination is to do evil, I take that back. There is no good or evil in created beings; we just respond to what we are dished out, experience or see. They say the dog is man's best friend, yet can be used for security purposes, no matter how small or its breed. Provoke the dog, it attacks you (owner or stranger), provoke a human being, you get the same (friend or foe);yet we ask people to be humans. What does that really mean?

Could that be that I have control over your emotions and actions? That's all we really have. The part where humans can 'control other's lives' is far reaching, and dependent on the control of emotions and actions.

We are primed, not by men, not by God's, but by what we go through. Men and gods give us access to other people's lives and responses, they don't dictate our responses. 

I can live, do and be what I want to be; that's beauty to me, influenced or not, that's life! 

The Process

May 10, 2021:22:10hrs 

It's been a while now since my guy passed on; I have still not been able to grieve not because I did not want to, I planned to let it all out, well hoped I would let it all out when I see him for the last time, albeit dead!

I tried to express myself, but was shut up immediately, they said "if my mum see us crying what do I think she would do?" we were suppose to be her strength, so I could not weep even when I lost my dad! This was the same line I was told when I was buying my sister in law (my dad passed on the day she was buried by the way, even though he was not there), I had to be strong for my brother!. Amaka was more than a sister in law to me, she probably is the only lady that was comfortable with me being me. So two deaths in a month, and I can't grief because I have to think of how that affects other people [sighs].

I was just getting my feet on the ground after going through treatment aftet being diagnosed with severe depression when all of this happened. Amaka's husband (my older brother), had been there for me, he was the only family member that knew what I was going through at the time, and we are close.

Let me side track a bit; I was depressed Primarily because I had just been separated from my wife and I could not spend time with my kids (the woman broke the terms of our agreement); yes, we agreed.

So this is me, frail and in need of support, now having to support the same person I drew strength from (he has been through hell and back), but still needing to be cautious in my grief!

I played my path, went through the burial process, now I suffer alone, cos I don't have my own closure. 

I have once again sacrificed my sanity for 'the general good' I have not slumped to the state I was last year, but I hate how I feel.

I am tired now. I would stop here [sighs]

Death

March 27, 2021.

The loss of a loved one has a way of resetting things. My Guy is gone to the world beyond and I can't even journal this. Doi g this now in tears. I have not been able to grieve since his passing on, and when I finally got the emotions aligned, I was advised not to cry. He was my friend, not just my father, not just a mentor, my guy! I am so sad. I would never fir in his shoes or attempt to, I would live my life as much as I can, then leave in the king way he did. 

Dissapointment

I am disappointed at myself, I have been this year and just got to know why.

I got a job I had always wanted and had a certain expectation of what the job entailed which was different from what I thought it to be. Similarly upon completion of my house, I expected I would be elated, but with already the disappointment of my marriage and my job, it set me on a depression course. 

Now I know to reevaluate my expectation, set broad range so I can manage my disappointment. Fu NY thing, I used to think I had no expectation of people, but had tons of myself. 

Why? I was brought up to work hard and that hard work would pay. That marriages we built to last long with no room for divorce, that to be successful, I had to accomplish things/activities early enough so I could focus on other things; not sure what those other things were. Becoming clear now, so resetting things. 

Bad

I heard the worst words from one of my brothers yesterday and one of the best advices from another. I thank God for that experience and the revelation; but mostly for life

Today

Today, 19th September 2020 is the beginning of the rest of my life! Would not say more than that, I now understand it. Blessings to the Most High! I am blessed! Living the beginning of the best days of my life. I am happy and bursting with energy. Having to control my excitement. If you knew me 6 weeks ago, you don't know me. Lol. This is me now! GOD! I THANK YOU!!!! The lines have fallen in pleasant places for me; indeed I have a godly heritage 😃✌️✌️✌️

Is this the end or beginning

I broke down, worse than I have ever done before. Nothing makes sense anymore. Friends and brothers are extremely worried. I have seen this before, planned for how to respond, everything I learnt has failed me. I do not even have the strength to reach into the archives. Feels like a lost hope. Finally admitted that I require professional help and seeking it earnestly. I just might be admitted! "Big man problem" no be here o. In the midst of people who envy me, seeing how happy they are, I am amazed!

Did I run too fast? That's the only question I can get out. Asides the sighs and tears, my head is blocked, or full I don't know. I can't think straight. 

Just started working, I feel it would get better, I just don't know if I can see through this. I would start dropping passwords and notes in the event that this goes south. 

My brothers say I should not let the woman win, I am not even in competition with her; I just want to get well; it's pretty hard!

If; if I get past this, I hope I can now begin to live my purpose. I mutted that God must have an interesting sense of humour. Getting calls from a company that wants to porch me?

In my lowest state, I had the balls to go through an interview and did well enough for them to want to make an offer?

This is what Ikeh keeps saying, "look at the positive sides of your life"; I swear it's hard. Nothing I have done till date is enough. How and why am I putting myself through this much pressure? 

I take life for granted, not sure why it's this serious now. I am truly tired! God help me!

This too shall pass, was what I use to say from university. I thank God for the people around me and in my life. Yesterday, I would have been no more! I just want it to be painless and quick. Meeting with my brothers in an hour's time, they will school me. I hope I don't feel worse after then. They look up to me, and here I am acting like a loser. 

Spoke with a psychiatrist today, she requested that my friend should not let me be by myself. Me, CHIEDOZIE JIDEOFOR EGBUNA!

I am here for now. Planned over 100 years. I said I would go out on my terms, still intend to do. It's not cowdice to end ones life, it's bravery to know when the end is and make the hard decision. I leave it here. 

6 September 2020

Don't know where I got the strength from but this might just be the last.

I would like to tell my story the way I experienced it. I am tired is the summary of it all. I am going to see another shrink tomorrow and I am in tears. Been crying all day. I am a family guy, the bitch I got married to knows this and used it against me. For the first time in my now existence, my head is blank. That is death to me! If this be my last sojourn, it was a pleasure; if not, mother earth and it's inhabitants would hate me and I would not lose sleep over it. 

37years is what they said I have lived, feels like 137. It's time. I'm coming home papa!

To my brothers, I did not fail you, make sure the legacy lives on and the story is told right.

To my sons, you are in good hands, be careful who who entangle with.

To my parents, this was my time, and this life was not meant for me. You did a good job and I love you till my death and pray for longer days for you. Mana, I'm happy now.

If I survive this, I shall not delete this but keep it as a sign that I also struggled. If I don't, 

GOODNIGHT AND GOOD LUCK. 

✌️

7 September 2020

Went to the famous Yaba left today, saw a psychologist and a psychiatrist, same diagnosis as my meeting with my first shrink (whom I am seeing this Thursday by the way), SEVERE DEPRESSION. Typing this, I am in tears again! The psychiatrist told me to "Man up", my case is not bad. Not bad yet I am severely depressed? Three things are consistent though:

1. I have been through a whole lot this last 8years and shit has messed up my composition so much that I adjusted so much to the point that I altered me somewhat.

2. I bottled up all I had been through so much that now my brain does not have the capacity to hold them any longer or take in more.

3. If I hang in there and have a positive approach to this, I will get pass it and come out stronger.

I am begiyti try to imagine what life past this would look like for me, I honestly can't see anything at the moment. My mind tells me this too shall pass, but this is the strongest shit I have ever been through in my entire existence. I would never take mind games as a joke or manipulation for that matter. That shit can fuvk the other person up so much that they actually get to the point of committing suicide or change them so much that they become something else. This is what I am having to deal with. I am aging faster than normal, not a fucking worry in the world, except for how much pain I would feel the next day (cos my mind is blank right now). Funny thing is, I always wanted to stop my mind from its hectic work process and just chill, now I am not thinking and dieing gradually. My BO is in second stage hypertension, and I don't even know what to do to get it back down. I mean I know, but don't know how to do it. 

Recall when I said I feel like I have lived this life before, trust me I did not see this like this, prepared for stuff like this, but now I know that all that preparation for things that are emotional is mostly nonsense. 

I get goosebumps frequently, tears fall as they please, heart skips like I am in a chase, appetite gone, zeal is no more and I am searching for a reason to be here. 

I have rationalised everything now, I care only for me and no one else at this point. Life has literally been taken away from me and I must still stay positive. How?

Everyday I end is supposed to be a blessing, but I don't want to see the next. 

I AM TIRED!