THE END BEGINS

 There is good and evil in everyone. As a matter of fact, both exist at the same time, in the same proportion at birth. As hard as that may be hard to believe and comprehend, a simple explanation is your life. If good and evil are separate and outside of humans, why do we feel under pressure to do right; why do we feel under pressure to do good? If good were natural and evil outside of us, we shouldn't struggle to do good. What I have come to understand is that those who seem to do good naturally (for which I do not believe there is any such thing), can be seen to have just perfected the act.

We all have to make the conscious effort and decide to be good or do evil; but the fact that evil feels more natural to us than good ideas, points to the strength in doing wrong and/or what we truly are. Who are we then? What role does God have to play in all of this? What is the essence of our lives and for what do we get to see each day? Yes, we all have our purpose, and I strongly believe, we would and can never rest until that purpose is achieved.

I also believe that in spite of the seeming strength of evil, good is of a superior quality and requires higher & greater strength to perform. The fact that the world is filled with more evil than good is not a sign or a pointer to the fact that evil is stronger, rather it shows how weak, lazy and indiscipline we are, yet tells us that there are a lot of opportunity and room to grow. Our choices and decisions will remain in the past, but also have the power to direct the future.

I reflect now on my past decisions, things I have done and either regretted immediately or do so now, and I know and indeed I am grateful that I have a conscious that still speaks to me, and that I hear and can respond to. I once said my conscious is a gift and a curse, but writing now, I see t more as a gift.

We live in a fast paced, technological world, where some believe life is earned or a right. I haven't written in over a year, but feel a sense of responsibility to do so now. Right or wrong, I chose not to judge myself, or any other person for that matter, I only seek to live my life right and end this journey once and for all, that I may return. This is not an end, now there is no end, only writings, not so that I feel, look or act wise (I pray that is never my lot), but to commence the beginning of my end and as much as possible, do so with sanity. I may never come back to this, frankly I find the old writings, but write I shall, just as depart I must.

21/08/2016; 16:45

Should we stop trying to control our lives and live them, since everything that happens to us is a result of what we are connected to; what we call "divine intervention" is merely connections we were not aware of (Morgan Freeman). Birds don't fly, they are flown, fish don't swim, they are carried. Everything is connected, everything has a reason for why they are created.

21/08/2016; 17:05

MY DAYS

 WHEN I WAS YOUNG

Growing up as a child, I did not like many things. I liked to eat, I was not into gamming, but I loved playing football. I liked to ack, loved playing the Priest character, and also loved to sing.

Physically, I was strong, you would hardly catch me cry, was not afraid of seeing blood and just wanted to be strong. I would pump my chest whenever I had the opportunity to defend someone else who was bullied, cos I loved to stand up for those who were either afraid to do so, or just could not defend themselves.

THE CHALLENGE

As I recall, my challenges started when I became separated from my family, when I went to boarding school. I was probably just 10 years old or so, this was in 1992. As a coping mechanism, there was always someone who looked like someone I knew back home and that really got me connected back to home. I really did not like the school, I was bullied a lot and not long after, my once good grades started to head south. I recall pleading with my parents to take me out of the school; pleas that obviously fell on deaf ears. When my grades kept going worse, my dad washed his hands off my studies and not long after, I had to leave the school and came back home. The damage was done already at that time, I hated school and whatever it represented. This was my first traumatic experience and it was in these days I experienced what I now realized is called depression! I recall being ashamed and afraid of going outside, my love for the game was no longer there, I would lock myself inside the room, mostly because I feared I would be perceived weak and a failure.

I stopped making friends (not like I was big on this, cos in my neighborhood, you almost did not have a choice, we grew up as a community, but at this time, you had to select your click). Being locked indoors, i focused my time more around religion and reading, with particular interest in philosophy, trying to find a reason and meaning of life and to go on. I became angrier, but now more determined to turn my fortunes around and become successful. Put it this way, books and philosophy opened and broadened my mind! At this point I hated failure, I became secretive, stopped talking, was open to take more risk and became spontaneous.

Dreams

This entry is more superstitious than real; my treade right?.

Fiction and reality might meet. If it does, my theory is valid. Hear me now, I know... not that i know how to communicate it. A few weeks ago, I thought I Jo longer take mys3of seriously. Till I got that picture, and I acknowledged, "this is intense!"

I am sipping on a mild tea, munching on my groundnuts from a 5k walk, I love it.i am going all in, you would not like me.

Dead

Once again, I died, knowing that I cannot actually. I have movement now, slowly but surely. The loss is painful, the process more, the acceptance is even worse. I have lowered my BP, not slept yet, but apparently,  sounding better. I can look at screens, make coherent statements and that gives me hope. This madness ends this time, this devil dies this week. I now know your name and your form. Watch me watch you. I understand we all go through it. My form will stick, my freedom is guaranteed  now. 

Loss or Discovery

 I feel sad, struggled to get out of bed today, finally pulled out, realizing I might have lost it all. Why I have relied on a human being irritates me, why I get them worried is worse; It is finally clear to me why monks are better at living and why we should all be. I do not type this to make a claim, but to acknowledge my need to monkinize; I am not sure that is a word, but I use it. For the first time, I walked out as a dead man, came back feeling like Van Dan. I am not trying this again. I have not slept in 2 days now, I have used all the meds given, thankfully (not sure), my blood pressure is lower than normal. I have heard of low BP, this one, my heart literally stops. I can write now, cause I just walked. Walk! Doing this hurts, They say, get people around, I have people making noise based on this advice. They are irritating me. I have  tried this, I know this is temp, I hate to admit it. This is my last, I will wait till I can get to terms with this. Unfortunately, I have gotten the message, I have lost 2 things I cherish in less than a month. Maybe this is where the rebuild begins. If you ever see this, I am now finally at peace; If you don't I am finding peace.; possibly found it I am STRONG AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE. HATE IT, I don't. I am just surprised at how much I can take in; and this is nothing

My Sons

This entry is short and straight to the point. 

My conversation with my son 13th July 2024, was br8ef but left a mark on me. 

First off, he asks me how I am doing, and ended the call with " I love you". 

These is my part, and he took it before I could play it. He sounded so confident and nature. I really miss him. I haven't seen both my kids since 2022. I honestly don't know that I will see them again, and what I would do if I get to see them.

I love you Chiedozie Zephan Egbuna and Tobechukwu Zane Egbuna 

My Boss

I know that I am a man of few words, I don't know why except that I keep my mouth shut when I have nothing to say, and just listen and learn.

However, I was recently told, after 16 years, that my silence came across as intelligence. This is the one time I would have love to do a video, to express this and I see words fail me. 

16 years after! Something about you by D'bang is playing in my head; side by side with "If I rule the world " by NAS.

I dey confused.

It's not ending here o. I will play this game and have fun while I play. FUCK ALL OF YOU