Tale of a Mad (Wise) Black Man - PART 2

Two months after I wrote the first part of this piece, I still have not come to a conclusion, but reading it again and accessing myself, I know I am stronger and more confident; some sentences and thoughts in the first part of this piece, shows how crazy and sane I can be.
I have had issues with my wife from three months into my marriage, I still maintain it was for no fault of mine. She threw me to the floor, lawned me, made me feel not just less of a man, but less of a human; gave me what I thought was water, then lit me. I write fervently now because this might just be the only way to tell my side of the story and save face with my sons.
I was a good husband and father, I not only think so, I know so and so did other people. I never claimed or have said I was perfect, I say I was a GOOD husband and father. I grew up believeing and knowing the partnership of marriage, one where a wife LONGS to support the husband, while the husband strives to do all that is necessary for the family. What I signed up for,  was far from what I knew. I have my part to play in this mistake:
1) I was madly in love with the woman I married, even when I really did not know her, I can be like that, working with the heart and not the head atimes.
2) I got her pregnant and MAYBE felt the need to be responsible about my actions, afterall, I really did love her.
3) She told me repeatedly she was always scared of marriage as she did not think she could stay with a man as man and wife, but I sought to convince her. Apparently she knew what she was saying, she told me the truth that time, and I did not listen.
These were the errors I made that made me at some point contemplate suicide as I felt low and that my wife and family would really be better without me. I don't feel that way anymore. I now feel pain, anger and what I think is hatred; I have never felt the third before, so really don't know if that is what it is, but I know I feel something new and strange, and it's not a good feeling.
My wife says I have pride, thinking about it now, I would not deny it, cos every human and even the animals have pride, but the extent of my pride and what I am proud about, is what I do not agree with; and I am glad I am not the only one who believes so. She says my pride will go before my destruction, my pride is what has gotten us here; but I put 80 percent of what has happened in my family on her and 20 percent on me. On the other hand I could flip it around. Flip it because if I did my part and ground work, I would not have been in this mess in the first place, so yes, maybe it's all on me. I now know she played me, but when I think to what end, anger builds up.
My marriage is at the bridge, probably ended already (we still live together, like roommates though), but we know so. Not because what we face is new to any marriage, we just can't seem to make it work, not with all the lies, deceit and insincerity floating in the air. But we have two sons, who I love to death and for their sake, I'll work this marriage, even if it cripples me. If this ends the way I think it would, I fear my sons will hate me, not for what I did or did not do, but based on the lies about me they would be fed with, and that would kill me faster than a silver bullet. This (that they know the truth about me) seems to be my new mission and I cannot influence much at this stage of their lives; so I turn to the giver of wisdom; to preserve their minds and the memory they have about me now, till they are matured enough to make sense of life for themselves.
She played, lied and deceived me from the beginning, and turned around telling people I made her so, in three months? How is that even possible? How do you agree to marry someone you do not trust and say they caused it? Someone you never trusted or loved and say they caused it? She did so, and started digging immediately she got into my house and had full access to my life to justify her claims. I had to let go of my female friends for her, while she kept her ex - boyfriend,  who by the way she calls her best friend. I think it dawned on me when she started making same moves for my buddies, my brothers; but it was way too late already; I was locked in and the bad guy already. Stories of my coming in late had reached her folks (my job at the time required I stayed out Wednesday through Friday, and she was aware, she knew the job). Really that was it! Oh yea, and I do not satify her sexually or spend time at home weekends.
A bit of a background; when we first me (I hate to call it dating), she always pretended to have orgasm when we have sex, she only told me this when we got married, I have my pride. I always use to stay home weekdays and weekends and play video game with my brothers, until she came in and wanted the house to her self, so I moved the game to my brothers',  a few blocks from my house, and played there. As far as I know it, these were my crimes. Later it moved to me not being responsible, not providing enough for my family; and in the usual fashion, the stories were out before they could be discussed. My friends, parents, siblings, colleagues and even strangers mavel and cannot believe I earn what I say I earn and still be able to give 37.5 percent (I just did the math, shit!) of my monthly income to my wife for the house upkeep and she still says I don't give enough financially to the house. I have no savings. Funny thing is I told her the big plan, thinking she would work with me to achieve it. I am tired and this piece may never end. I rest for now.

Tale of a Mad (Wise) Black Man - PART 1

You know the saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder"? From where I come from, and yes I am Black (at heart and in skin), we have remixed it, like we never see enough of that; we also believe "wisdom is in the head of the speaker". Most times the test of one's wisdom is not necessarily in the actions, but in how many parables one can come up with and/or how well one interprets these parables to make sense to others.
I also love to speak in parables for two reasons: 1) I get to confuse my listener, 2) I can interpret it to suite whatever situation I feel like and still get to confuse my listener and feel smart at the same time. The second reason works best for me and gladens my heart the most.
I am at a crossroad, really at a crossroad and for the first time in a very long time, not sure what parable to use or how to even get out of it.
A bit of a background; I feel, and somewhat know that I have grown in the last three years, I feel respected (for my status) and behave like a grown adult (like I should), again because of my status. Now that it seems like I MIGHT have messed up big time too, cos I have a hand in my current dilema, I don't feel so confident and sure; although people around me believe I have never looked more comfortable, unruffled and confident. They really do not have a clue about the millions of decisions I have to make per minute that may not impact them in any way. Decide I must. My dilema, is honestly around what template do I use this time, and how do I show this was/is a logical, rational decision; knowing very well that lives, destinies may be impacted.
My first thought was/is to damn the consequences (not my preferred though), but the spiritual and sensible part of me knows this amounts to stupidity. Should I chose not to make the hard call, the consequences MIGHT be grave, for myself alone first, then maybe for the rest of my concerns (but that looks easier right?)
I am not, never have, and never will be scared of death. I have plotted and thought of how I would die since I was 16, and the options that made sense, as unpopular as they may be, were my favourite. They remain my favourite till this day!
Am I suicidal, I would not answer yes to that, do I enjoy living, still would not say a yes to that. I cannot avoid man's end (death). I could influence it, hasten it, but the end remains inevitable.
I have read my fair share of books, watched my fair share of series and movies and heard my fair share of stories, I hate to pass on as that psychotic dysfunctional dude. I believe I should leave as noble as I came in (at least I would like to think I did); with my pride intact, not seen as a coward, and definately not lazy. I do not believe I am any of these, but sense I could be.
I need to take that decision, and for the first time in my life, I am scared to my balls. How did I get here, can/would I ever leave this space? Many questions, no answers (I tell myself); but I have the answers, I just am slow to act.

Beliefs

I have certain beliefs in life, they keep me going, return me to sanity when all seems to be going south, and keep me true to myself, or at least make me feel true to myself. That's why I like them. Thing is, not everyone thinks my beliefs 'make sense', and as such, agree with my beliefs; but I love them nontheless, yea call me selfish and self-centered.
I try not to discard or disagree with people's beliefs, just because I am sacred and unaware of the basis upon which they were formed; I feel I do not have the right to criticise them. I only pray the same respect could be given to mine; but not so. 
Right or wrong,  I will stick to my belief, because of the benefits I believe I gain from them. If I die, perish or fail cos of them, I will be glad I did.
My beliefs drive me, they always have and will. It is what makes me what I am, do what I do and has gotten me where I am. Until I deem it fit for change, live with it or without me!

Friend or Fiend?

1998, that was the year; the year I had a rebirth, my first wilderness experience; started to see things from a different perspective, saw & understood the disappointing side of life for the first time. I had just read a book by Kahil, who in my opinion, remains one, if not the best modern day philosopher; and he changed my perspective, made me aware of the beauty of the universe, as well as the philosophical dimension of the universe and all things there in.
I remember after reading that book, I told a friend that I no longer was interested in making or keeping human friends, and that I would rather talk to animals (as weird as that would be) and relate with humans with the devil's fork, I meant it! But it did not last. Humans have a way of making you warm up to them; they win you over with their charm, charisma and all things [practised], to what end? I had come to understand that humans feel things (animate or inanimate) are only there to be used. Whilst they tell you the sweetest of words and show the kindest of actions, (wo) man seem to always remain focused on their ultimate goal (to win over things).
I can't quite seem to understand why "I owe you one" for coming to my aid in a time of need and yet, you expect me to believe you just helped me. As far as I can see and know, I just took a loan to pay back on a date you decide; and this seems to be the rule by which many live. I have been thinking about this for a while now, how do people really become your enemy, and I nean genuine enemy? They start off as friends right? Then probably see a few things you have that they like but don't have, then jealousy sets in and boom, an enemy just might be in the kitchen. Well maybe I have it all twisted the wrong way in my head, but assuming I were wrong, how then do we form enemies?

I have heard people say "I just don't like him/her"; the way I see it, that person don't classify as an enemy, just might mean one is indifferent to such individual. So does indifference create enemies? A wiseman once said, "if you want to know where your enemy is, look inside your house/ close circle." Applying that principle therefore, it seems we breed enemies from friends and keep them close to us still, not aware of their new status and blinded by the same level of trust we had when we formed the friendship. If we could not see the changes, which in most cases we do not, as trust veils us, how then do I spot my enemy;  who apparently understands the important role trust plays? When I fall and feel betrayed, or when I hear those words "you owe me one"?

Personally, I hate debts, it's a huge burden I hate to bare, but seems to be necessary in ones survival kit. If I choose to evaluate all those close to me periodically,  I will be considered paranoid, lacking in trust and not fit to have as a friend. Thinking about it, that doesn't sound like a bad choice. But then again, remembering the words of another wise man who said "if you want to go far, go alone, but if you mean to go well, walk with others", I feel constrained. The world has become a global village, where we all need people; I guess the big question then is, to what degree.
A quick evaluation then might help:
- who hurts me the most? (friends or fiends)
- who disappoints me the most?
- who challenges me the most?
- who gives me the most joys?
- who would I rather be with?

I can easily make up my mind, and know I need to live with the consequence. But the question still remains; who do you have, Friends or Fiends?