Dissapointment

I am disappointed at myself, I have been this year and just got to know why.

I got a job I had always wanted and had a certain expectation of what the job entailed which was different from what I thought it to be. Similarly upon completion of my house, I expected I would be elated, but with already the disappointment of my marriage and my job, it set me on a depression course. 

Now I know to reevaluate my expectation, set broad range so I can manage my disappointment. Funny thing, I used to think I had no expectation of people, but had tons of myself. 

Why? I was brought up to work hard and that hard work would pay. That marriages we built to last long with no room for divorce, that to be successful, I had to accomplish things/activities early enough so I could focus on other things; not sure what those other things were. Becoming clear now, so resetting things. 

When death comes

It all started 27th June 2021, when I reached to my close friend, turned brother, mentioning to him that I felt a certain burden and could not shoulder it on my own anymore. The back story to that was that I had just been appointed General Manager of the TeaCo (Ekaterra), and this had come in spite of the emotional challenges and the mental health challenges I had been battling at the time. I had resulted to smoking, alcohol, with little or no food. Constantly feeling weak and secluded in my abode, which I seemed no longer to be excited about, I did what I thank God I still know how to do, no matter how terrible the situation might be; reach out for help! So I called and was invited!

My first week didn't seem like much of a change, as I managed to continue with the smoking and alcohol, mostly after work, sometimes while at it. Friday 2nd July 2021 was the peak, the demons had come out. We went out for a drink, had a heated argument and I left, back to my place. I had accused him of not paying attention to me in spite of the challenges he knew I was goi g through, but he did not get it. By Saturday, 3rd July, he had called and I ignored. Sunday 4th, he showed up at my place to pick me physically. We agreed that day that I was to quit smoking and cut down on the alcohol.

The decision quickly became one of the best I had made this year. We agreed it would be difficult, but he had done same as well years ago and felt I could as well. I quickly got into the one way I know how to manage things like these (gospel music). Worked like magic. Did not take long to forget about alcohol and cigarette and started focusing more at work. Output amazed me and I knew I was on the right path. By the 9th of July, I decided to go see my kids at school. Normally I would pray for them before I leave, this time around, I asked that they pray for me. My first son, Zephan, immediately laid his hand on my head and said "You will not die, accident will not see you, you are blessed, in Jesus name" to which I responded AMEN. He told me Tobe could not pray, so I let him pass. Not long after I left, I thought to go get my bumber fixed (as it had been pulling out), from there, I decided to have my tire checked (since it had been getting deflated quite often). I was told my tires were in terrible state and should be changed immediately. My glasses had gotten my vision a bit blurred.

By Saturday 10th, we had gone for a wedding and I had a blast, had an after party and erupted again, then worked out. Sunday 11th July 2021, I had packed my things, gone to see mum and decided to go see a new friend. She asked if I had been drinking and I said no. She told that I looked really tired. Asked her to have a taste of my drink, it was coca cola. Long story short, I got into the car, headed to my friends place and had an accident that could have easily killed me. 

I have chronicled this to set the record straight. I brought myself out to my friends place cos I knew I needed help and would get it here. I am often misunderstood and judged by people who should know me, but clearly don't. For what it's worth, I will stay here till I get better, then set a plan while here on how to live at my place and not backside. This is my new reality, but I will not take it anymore.

My motivation is different now, in time, all these will go out. 

Changes

Like you may know, the last couple of years have been quite eventful, with lots of downs and I dare say, ups as well. I was blessed with an angel as a line manager in January of 2020, the process to joining the team is a story in itself, but when God wants to work, He truly does in ways we never understand. The past 18 months have taught me more patience, 8 years taught me endurance; looking forward to what the next years have in store and how to use the past lessons on this new journey.

I have written about my entry into marketing again, something I had longed for; while my personal assessment on the job does not impress me, the impact (as I was told on the 18th day of June 2021), gladens my heart.

Back to the matter, here is me minding my business, looking to leave the organization I work with, only to be called and persuaded to apply for a job I felt I was not ready for. I buckled and applied!

Went through the interview in one of my lowest points, found out my first line manager in this organization also applied for the same role, then got called that I have gotten the job on June 10, 2021. I am the fucking GM for West Africa for a business I worked my socks for and loved for Nigeria, for 5 years.

Still trying to express my joy so pardon me. I will make this a thread make I rest first. 19th June 2021, 19:30hrs

The Calm

June 4th 2021.

There is actually a calm after the storm. I have heard it, sang it, now experiencing it. It is real. I remember how I use to love my space, digging it like crazy. When the time is right, I would tell all this.

I have never mentioned this before, I write cos I want to have things on record. I know that once I leave this plane, memories will follow me;might not stay with those left, but this gives me peace.

I tell more of my personal experiences, I like it that way. Honestly I am too excited. Need to infuse the inspiration in video or sound. Let me try. Will try. Make I go close work today 

Beauty of Life

We never really know who we are. We'll at least that's what I think. Don't get me wrong, we might have ideas, maybe even know in a particular phase or phases of our lives, but holistically, we don't. Most times it's not because we don't try or want to; that's just the mystery of like. And therein, lies the beauty!

Imagine that we knew life as humans, what would that look like? I once said that our natural inclination is to do evil, I take that back. There is no good or evil in created beings; we just respond to what we are dished out, experience or see. They say the dog is man's best friend, yet can be used for security purposes, no matter how small or its breed. Provoke the dog, it attacks you (owner or stranger), provoke a human being, you get the same (friend or foe);yet we ask people to be humans. What does that really mean?

Could that be that I have control over your emotions and actions? That's all we really have. The part where humans can 'control other's lives' is far reaching, and dependent on the control of emotions and actions.

We are primed, not by men, not by God's, but by what we go through. Men and gods give us access to other people's lives and responses, they don't dictate our responses. 

I can live, do and be what I want to be; that's beauty to me, influenced or not, that's life! 

The Process

May 10, 2021:22:10hrs 

It's been a while now since my guy passed on; I have still not been able to grieve not because I did not want to, I planned to let it all out, well hoped I would let it all out when I see him for the last time, albeit dead!

I tried to express myself, but was shut up immediately, they said "if my mum see us crying what do I think she would do?" we were suppose to be her strength, so I could not weep even when I lost my dad! This was the same line I was told when I was buying my sister in law (my dad passed on the day she was buried by the way, even though he was not there), I had to be strong for my brother!. Amaka was more than a sister in law to me, she probably is the only lady that was comfortable with me being me. So two deaths in a month, and I can't grief because I have to think of how that affects other people [sighs].

I was just getting my feet on the ground after going through treatment aftet being diagnosed with severe depression when all of this happened. Amaka's husband (my older brother), had been there for me, he was the only family member that knew what I was going through at the time, and we are close.

Let me side track a bit; I was depressed Primarily because I had just been separated from my wife and I could not spend time with my kids (the woman broke the terms of our agreement); yes, we agreed.

So this is me, frail and in need of support, now having to support the same person I drew strength from (he has been through hell and back), but still needing to be cautious in my grief!

I played my path, went through the burial process, now I suffer alone, cos I don't have my own closure. 

I have once again sacrificed my sanity for 'the general good' I have not slumped to the state I was last year, but I hate how I feel.

I am tired now. I would stop here [sighs]

Death

March 27, 2021.

The loss of a loved one has a way of resetting things. My Guy is gone to the world beyond and I can't even journal this. Doi g this now in tears. I have not been able to grieve since his passing on, and when I finally got the emotions aligned, I was advised not to cry. He was my friend, not just my father, not just a mentor, my guy! I am so sad. I would never fir in his shoes or attempt to, I would live my life as much as I can, then leave in the king way he did.