MAD - The Story

I am going to tell a story. I can't say if it is personal, true or fiction; but I have chosen to do this series for as long as I can.
Let me first put things in perspective. He had spent 45% of his life as of 2017 (this is according to the biblical definition of how long humans are expected to live). He has seen things, experienced quite a few, and have had series of confusing, doubtful moments. By the standards of the society and I dare say, the times he lives in, he is young. He does not doubt that, but this does not invalidate what he has  seen or experienced.
Early in life, he decided his path (or so he thought). He was going to run the show, do things the way he wanted; it was a subconscious move, not like he knew what he was doing, he said he just had a strong feeling that he had been through this (life) before, and was given a second chance to right his wrongs from the first episode. He felt he submitted himself to the divine will, let the universe take charge of his life, he said he was determined to put in his best, and really let go of the rest. Yet he felt the urge, need to be ambitious, determined, and was very aware of all the blessings he had received, as well as his physical attributes; but purpose kept eluding him. Why? If he had been through this before, why is this, "the main reason for his return remains unclear", he says.
He resorted to the things he saw in the environment, perhaps the answer would come through, but no. He slept with dream, but "she always left him before he could awake and become conscious of their meeting and conversation" he says. That killed him all the more. So he went to the source again, "why am I here" he asked. Silence was the answer he got, so loud that his hearing was greatly affected.
So he began to think, go back to the very start, he just might have missed out something. Then it crossed his mind to ask Him if He felt he escaped, slipped out to the second episode without approval? Did he get here himself? If he did, there still has to be a reason (purpose), why then is this difficult, why is it that he still does not know? This has been the mental journey, and almost half way through the second episode, the confusion is still on. Now he is apprehensive, getting a bit uneasy, will there be a third trial? He tells me he does not wish that, but has come to the understanding that the purpose must be complete before the rest begins. Then it hit him. If he did slip out on his own, then he must go back with an excellent report, else he would be fucked. "What if He doesn't want me no more, am I dammed here? God forbid it" he says; "I know home, I have tasted it, it is implanted in my subconscious, it's the place I go to when dream comes to be, we walk the road to home, but she lets me off just before I see what the road looks like. I will press on, really, what other option do I have. Stay here I lose, if the job is not done; go home without a complete report and I still lose. There is the dilemma and where the journey starts."
He acknowledges he has made his fair share of wrong choices, many might have self corrected themselves; until he did something he probably was not ready for at the time, "I took in an inferior" he cries out. This was not to help, but at the time, he was blind to the fact. He really needed someone stronger, or at the very least, an equal. The only one he knew at the time was the Creator; but since "I felt like He had let me go, I thought it my duty to get one for myself" he tells. Little did he know that there was none on this plain, but by the time he realised this, he was neck deep already. Living by the rules of the king of this plain, eating of their foods and involving in the activities that gave them "joy" and pleasure.
The lesser one however saw someone stronger, near to their god in him and made all moves to be united, and united they became. "This being, empty in the things of my world, yet in need of the wisdom and knowledge of my kind, chose to get me to conform to their way" he says. All this while, he and his creator remained distant, in fact, the gap grew only wider. "I would think of Him and would swear I heard Him whisper something to me, but was never sure."
It was unclear to him at the time why humans felt the need to win, why was there so much competition with others? Made no sense to him, but he came to realise that this fuels them. Some of the ones he met who did not believe in this sought of competition said they also could not understand it, they say "they would never get into it, but why?" This is their world, what they do, why would they chose not to? Then it occurred to him; "they are from my world, but have been here longer than I have, maybe many more times than myself" he reveals, "so they have lost most of their true essence." Is his purpose then to lead them back? Would that please his maker and perhaps get him pardon and acceptance again?

Is he Back?

I have been laughing all week, very strange, giving my current situation (not that I am not grateful), but in the last two years, there is hardly anything that has made me genuinely laugh this much; now I find myself doing it this week. I have to be very honest and positive, things are looking up, for someone who struggles to see true good in life, I am somewhat scared, and trust me, a lot of the people I work around are scared to their bones. In fact they have been pointing fingers, thinking I am about to bolt.
Honestly, I have been seriously and actively looking to.
I am a believer that I am never in a position because someone or some spirit put me in it; I am quick to give the Almighty the credit for wherever I find myself, however I blame myself when I am in a position that (by my judgement) is wrong for me.
Is there really any wrong position?
I am a believer in the unseen forces of the universe, but I believe that it is only the Almighty, the Good Lord, that has the power to shape and move things; and that even when "bad" things happen, He must have given His approval. Yea I know what you may be thinking, "but that is against His nature", well not really. I don't want to go philosophical now, I just want to write, just write.

PART 2:
Months after the first part of this, I started indulging myself again in philosophy, and boy, I sure did miss it. It sort of defines my thoughts, and with all that is happening now, the timing couldn't be any better. Sitting outside, I hear a preacher (it's 22:02 hrs by the way) preaching about heaven and how "religion cannot take you to heaven, but only Jesus can". Naturally I would be enraged, giving the time, the city I live in and the need to rest, but today, I let it slide. I am becoming calmer, not like I wasn't before, but the situation has changed again. At this rate I fear true happiness may continue to elude me. I have just come to the realisation that all the things I did, that I felt were the right things, were considered my faults. I have now moved the pendulum to the opposite side and stuck a brick in front of it, to stop it from swinging. I will wait this one out. If anything, my past seems to have prepared me for this, I am indeed patiently waiting to see the end. Now I deliberately and consciously do the opposite, act the fool and see how this goes. Sometimes we need to act the fool, it may be difficult, not the popular thing to do, but it sure does reveal the fool. It's almost like you hand over the hangman's noose to him and watch him play with it, then use it. If a head pops, that's a price, if the pleading for help precedes it, even better. I prefer the second scenario in this case, and I watch.

Tale of a Mad Man - Part 1

Tale of a Mad (Wise) Black Man - PART 1 http://edozie-wateroflife.blogspot.com/2015/12/tale-of-mad-wise-black-man-part-1.html

What have we done?

We all start off knowing nothing (speaking of the times I was born into), then we start to pick up things from our immediate environment. We were taught to be conservative, be content with what you have; by no means, aspire, but in your aspiring, be cautious! Thinking about it now, I guess the idea was to promote steady pace, hard work and to get us to relish success when it happens. Perhaps, it was also a way to preach: head work + patience= success. But all that has changed, and I wonder if it is for the good or bad.
The folks who grew up in my times (most of us to whom this applied to of course ), followed this rule. A good number of us fall under the emerging [disappearing] class today. So what we did, was up the ante up a notch.
We now have kids, who obviously are smarter than we are ( they say its the computer age, but I know we mostly did not select our children from the computer). A good number of people say its the proliferation of content that our children have been exposed to, even while in the womb, and the workings of the brain, that have made them this smart; that the brain is a sponge. So I ask, is there every a time in one's life when the spongy characteristics of the brain ceases? Are we really the ones imbibing or better still, feeding our children with this content that have made them smarter than we are? Are our children really smarter than we are or have we just gone dumb?
My folks, till this day, would never admit that I or any of my siblings are smarter than they are; and I know they serve better advice than I do now. So where, when and how did things change?
We were said to be rash, unsteady[mostly], and that we were prone to lots of errors. So how did our younger ones escape this "disease" we have?
Indeed we are analytical, but mostly not deep; quick, yet not able to manage speed; blessed with better opportunities, yet careless; informed, yet stupid. And we agree that our children, who we breed, are better than we are.
We hustle to make life better for the ones after us, that they may be better educated (by our kinds), believe they are, but we have no education ourselves.
This makes no sense to me.
What have we done?

Never a Better Time

There are times when we feel it's the right time! We have tired on several occasions as humans to describe how that feels, but to no avail. Frankly i just want to say it's never a better time to say I'm sorry Lord, thank you for the many blessings, for whooping my behind, the trials, the lessons, the pain, the joy, the many state of confusion I have been in, currently in, and world be in. But in truth, there has never been a better time to say thank you, I trust you, I surrender to you, I adore you, I am blessed!

Tale of a Mad (Wise) Black Man - PART 2

Two months after I wrote the first part of this piece, I still have not come to a conclusion, but reading it again and accessing myself, I know I am stronger and more confident; some sentences and thoughts in the first part of this piece, shows how crazy and sane I can be.
I have had issues with my wife from three months into my marriage, I still maintain it was for no fault of mine. She threw me to the floor, lawned me, made me feel not just less of a man, but less of a human; gave me what I thought was water, then lit me. I write fervently now because this might just be the only way to tell my side of the story and save face with my sons.
I was a good husband and father, I not only think so, I know so and so did other people. I never claimed or have said I was perfect, I say I was a GOOD husband and father. I grew up believeing and knowing the partnership of marriage, one where a wife LONGS to support the husband, while the husband strives to do all that is necessary for the family. What I signed up for,  was far from what I knew. I have my part to play in this mistake:
1) I was madly in love with the woman I married, even when I really did not know her, I can be like that, working with the heart and not the head atimes.
2) I got her pregnant and MAYBE felt the need to be responsible about my actions, afterall, I really did love her.
3) She told me repeatedly she was always scared of marriage as she did not think she could stay with a man as man and wife, but I sought to convince her. Apparently she knew what she was saying, she told me the truth that time, and I did not listen.
These were the errors I made that made me at some point contemplate suicide as I felt low and that my wife and family would really be better without me. I don't feel that way anymore. I now feel pain, anger and what I think is hatred; I have never felt the third before, so really don't know if that is what it is, but I know I feel something new and strange, and it's not a good feeling.
My wife says I have pride, thinking about it now, I would not deny it, cos every human and even the animals have pride, but the extent of my pride and what I am proud about, is what I do not agree with; and I am glad I am not the only one who believes so. She says my pride will go before my destruction, my pride is what has gotten us here; but I put 80 percent of what has happened in my family on her and 20 percent on me. On the other hand I could flip it around. Flip it because if I did my part and ground work, I would not have been in this mess in the first place, so yes, maybe it's all on me. I now know she played me, but when I think to what end, anger builds up.
My marriage is at the bridge, probably ended already (we still live together, like roommates though), but we know so. Not because what we face is new to any marriage, we just can't seem to make it work, not with all the lies, deceit and insincerity floating in the air. But we have two sons, who I love to death and for their sake, I'll work this marriage, even if it cripples me. If this ends the way I think it would, I fear my sons will hate me, not for what I did or did not do, but based on the lies about me they would be fed with, and that would kill me faster than a silver bullet. This (that they know the truth about me) seems to be my new mission and I cannot influence much at this stage of their lives; so I turn to the giver of wisdom; to preserve their minds and the memory they have about me now, till they are matured enough to make sense of life for themselves.
She played, lied and deceived me from the beginning, and turned around telling people I made her so, in three months? How is that even possible? How do you agree to marry someone you do not trust and say they caused it? Someone you never trusted or loved and say they caused it? She did so, and started digging immediately she got into my house and had full access to my life to justify her claims. I had to let go of my female friends for her, while she kept her ex - boyfriend,  who by the way she calls her best friend. I think it dawned on me when she started making same moves for my buddies, my brothers; but it was way too late already; I was locked in and the bad guy already. Stories of my coming in late had reached her folks (my job at the time required I stayed out Wednesday through Friday, and she was aware, she knew the job). Really that was it! Oh yea, and I do not satify her sexually or spend time at home weekends.
A bit of a background; when we first me (I hate to call it dating), she always pretended to have orgasm when we have sex, she only told me this when we got married, I have my pride. I always use to stay home weekdays and weekends and play video game with my brothers, until she came in and wanted the house to her self, so I moved the game to my brothers',  a few blocks from my house, and played there. As far as I know it, these were my crimes. Later it moved to me not being responsible, not providing enough for my family; and in the usual fashion, the stories were out before they could be discussed. My friends, parents, siblings, colleagues and even strangers mavel and cannot believe I earn what I say I earn and still be able to give 37.5 percent (I just did the math, shit!) of my monthly income to my wife for the house upkeep and she still says I don't give enough financially to the house. I have no savings. Funny thing is I told her the big plan, thinking she would work with me to achieve it. I am tired and this piece may never end. I rest for now.

Tale of a Mad (Wise) Black Man - PART 1

You know the saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder"? From where I come from, and yes I am Black (at heart and in skin), we have remixed it, like we never see enough of that; we also believe "wisdom is in the head of the speaker". Most times the test of one's wisdom is not necessarily in the actions, but in how many parables one can come up with and/or how well one interprets these parables to make sense to others.
I also love to speak in parables for two reasons: 1) I get to confuse my listener, 2) I can interpret it to suite whatever situation I feel like and still get to confuse my listener and feel smart at the same time. The second reason works best for me and gladens my heart the most.
I am at a crossroad, really at a crossroad and for the first time in a very long time, not sure what parable to use or how to even get out of it.
A bit of a background; I feel, and somewhat know that I have grown in the last three years, I feel respected (for my status) and behave like a grown adult (like I should), again because of my status. Now that it seems like I MIGHT have messed up big time too, cos I have a hand in my current dilema, I don't feel so confident and sure; although people around me believe I have never looked more comfortable, unruffled and confident. They really do not have a clue about the millions of decisions I have to make per minute that may not impact them in any way. Decide I must. My dilema, is honestly around what template do I use this time, and how do I show this was/is a logical, rational decision; knowing very well that lives, destinies may be impacted.
My first thought was/is to damn the consequences (not my preferred though), but the spiritual and sensible part of me knows this amounts to stupidity. Should I chose not to make the hard call, the consequences MIGHT be grave, for myself alone first, then maybe for the rest of my concerns (but that looks easier right?)
I am not, never have, and never will be scared of death. I have plotted and thought of how I would die since I was 16, and the options that made sense, as unpopular as they may be, were my favourite. They remain my favourite till this day!
Am I suicidal, I would not answer yes to that, do I enjoy living, still would not say a yes to that. I cannot avoid man's end (death). I could influence it, hasten it, but the end remains inevitable.
I have read my fair share of books, watched my fair share of series and movies and heard my fair share of stories, I hate to pass on as that psychotic dysfunctional dude. I believe I should leave as noble as I came in (at least I would like to think I did); with my pride intact, not seen as a coward, and definately not lazy. I do not believe I am any of these, but sense I could be.
I need to take that decision, and for the first time in my life, I am scared to my balls. How did I get here, can/would I ever leave this space? Many questions, no answers (I tell myself); but I have the answers, I just am slow to act.